Journal: By the Light of the Moon

Serene view at Smacks Bayou

The moon was in Aquarius for this photo. I can still feel that airy reflective detachment when I look at this.

During most of my drive last night the moon was concealed by this small cluster of clouds in an otherwise clear night sky. On a lark, I took a detour and wound up at this bench on the water with a dynamite view. I just wanted to sit there and think. The breeze was gentle and the rain was sprinkling here and there. Actually, I’m not sure thinking was really part of it as much as I just wanted to sit there. The moon was so big and bright and the ceiling so high. I just wanted to look at it.

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After that fight, everything is different. The shock has faded, sure. But the vibe is different. More than that. It’s off. I’m not interested in being in it, around it. It’s very clear that there is no undoing what was done. This kind of emotional emancipation is something I haven’t felt in a while. It’s the they-crossed-a-line-and-now-it’s-done feeling. No anger, no malice, not even really sadness. That’s gone. It’s like they took a sword and sliced through the ropes that moored us together. Like a cord cutting even.

The irony of this is I had a conversation about this mechanism with one of the family members maybe a week before the fight. They knew what I was talking about and understood. It was solely about the concept and not because anyone had done anything. We happened to talk about it. And now here we are. This divorcing of my feelings doesn’t involve this specific family member, but another — their life partner. This adds another complication to it.

It’s hard to call a behavior a pattern when it has only happened twice. Though, for the record, this second time was way worse than the first and the span of time has been two incidents in two months. I’m not really interested in seeing if there’s going to be a third. But if somebody asked me, I would say I wouldn’t be surprised if there was to be a third incident. You don’t have that kind of anger so close to the surface and it not be an ongoing thing. It didn’t get physical, but I’m not naive about what I saw in them.

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My relative was concerned (rightly so) that I wasn’t “okay” after what happened and we had an interesting chat on the phone about it the next day. They seemed as sideswiped by it as I was and we discovered we were both on the same page about it. Our relationship is complex and I really am not looking to be on the outs with their significant other. But I made it clear on the phone that if something like that happens again with that person, I’m going to be speaking some truth.

It was important that she and I were able to talk about this. She wants our family to stay together and everything be okay. While I felt that she heard me on what I was trying to tell her, my stance on us as a family unit was ambiguous-to-positive. There would have to be a massive overture on his part to get me back to the table to work on whatever relationship he and I might have had. He is so unwilling to face feelings head on that I doubt this will happen. Who knows. People can surprise you. Let’s hope the next time he surprises me it manifests in a good way.

Ultimately, there will never be a time where I would force her to choose between the two of us. That’s not what I’m about. If she stays with him or not, my love and support for her will always be available to her. His behavior is his behavior. I’m in control of mine and that’s all that I can do about it. My father is a man with anger issues and I’ve considered talking to him about this to get his perspective on it. Despite my lack of desire to continue building a relationship with that family member, I still feel it’s the right thing to try and understand why the outbursts happen or what the underlying causation is for his anger — even if that means hypothesizing and third party perspectives. Everyone deserves to be understood or at least an attempt made.

Right now, my strategy is to just not engage unless I have to. Short and polite with him. But it has impacted how freely I communicate with my relative. I’m hesitant to talk to her around him. This I don’t like. When it comes to family issues, remedying this is my first and only real priority.

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With a clear mind and vision, I see where I want to be and am working the plan to get there. A lot of truth and realization came through this past full moon and lunar eclipse. While some of the shift I felt immediately after this confrontation, I definitely felt a change in me throughout this week. Looking back at the changes I made and the plans I set in motion last year, there is some big confirmation that has manifested also. I want my vision cleared, and now I’m taking it all in.

Rather than restricting myself to what is geographically close to my family, I’m instead focusing on well paying jobs that will fit my financial needs and help me to achieve my goals. Plus, I think the distance will help me let go of my need to micromanage. So, I’m also looking for a new place to live. They know I’ve been unhappy in my current work situation and won’t be surprised by me going up for interviews. But, they don’t know about the moving part. Even if I accepted a job that pays me the high end of my asking salary range, it will still take me a good bit of time to get things arranged for a move.

The next day I went looking at places to live. There’s been a lot of residential development around where I’m looking for work and I needed to see how things have changed. I found a newly built waterfront community that’s in a really great location. It’s more than the rent here and for a less square footage, but I love the layout. Plus, I would get my own little balcony to watch the sunset. This is a long term goal. It may be more cost effective (and easier) to stay where I am, get work here, and save for a down payment on a house instead of saving to move for a higher paying job and then trying to save for a house with the increase in living expenses. Still crunching the numbers on that.

Either way, it’s time.

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