Journal: Affirming the Past

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When I began considering titles for this post my first inclination was to use the term “reconcile”, but in a context similar to reconciling one’s transactions in their bank book. Since this is going to be about a relationship, I don’t want the presumption to be that the relationship has been queued up for replay. A legal term popped into my head: Affirm.

Affirm (verb) to state or assert positively; maintain as true.
The definition of “affirm” according to

A couple days ago, I saw on Instagram a snippet of a quote that really grabbed me: “I don’t regret the love I gave because you probably needed it.”

One of the last (though it might have actually been the last) communications I had with Mr. Taurus included his description of our trying to fix things over the years as being pretty much pointless and a waste. He said he had known many years before that it was such, but continued on with it. At the time, I wasn’t sure I believed that he had checked out so early in the relationship and was really so manipulative. It was closed out with an apology for the years spent, taken, whatever.

Everybody has their line. It’s the line that you have identified within you that if that other person crosses, it’s done. Nothing can be said, no action can be taken to restore that person to the place they held in your life. This doesn’t just apply to life partner and spouses, but also to friends and family. Really, anybody you have a lot of respect and admiration or feelings for. A mentor can act out in a way that is so antithetical to what you’ve learned from them that you just can’t see them in the same light anymore.

I have to believe and accept what Mr. Taurus said about when he knew the relationship was never going to work. The reality of that, that probably at least half of our time together was a waste as he put it, is/was really upsetting. Having to also accept that I was unable to recognize in my partner that he was over it long before we broke up and long, long before we had that final conversation was a really hard thing to do. It’s something I’m still working on in terms of owning up to re-entering a toxic relationship repeatedly as well as being blind to the signs of his disinterest.

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In a way, what he wrote was like the knife that cut those cords. Now more than ever, I’m hyper aware of time especially as other family members are dealing with age-related health issues. For a while I really grieved him, off and on for a year maybe. As the clock has ticked, the periods of not thinking of him have gotten longer and longer. The hurt has faded enough that when I was cleaning out my desk earlier this week and found a piece of jewelry he had gifted to me early in our relationship, I didn’t cry over it or smash it. I measure it in weird ways. If I see a car like his on the road and especially in the rare color he has it, I think to myself how nice of a Mustang it is rather than miss him. It’s nice really to be able to look at a Cobra or Shelby and just appreciate them as they are without that weird relationship baggage.

So, this quote. When I read it, I knew I had to write about it. I’m at a place now where I can look back and 100% say that I’m not embarrassed, ashamed, or regretful about the love I offered over those years. The truth of it is, he went through some things and needed somebody there. He’s a human who was trying to navigate unpleasant things in his life and for some of them I was the person who was there emotionally for him. If I can touch somebody, help them, comfort them, encourage them, whatever, I’m happy to do that. It’s my Venus in Cancer. Independent of our on-off-on-off relationship, person to person, I do not regret being there for him when I was. That relationship shaped my life in many ways. It was an education.

I affirm the positive experiences we had together. I affirm the moments we shared that were full of love and laughter. I affirm the times when we were the only ones who had each others’ backs. I affirm the adventures and positive forms of intimacy we explored together.

The actual quote is from an artist called giftedflaws and his IG post featuring the line is below. Aquarius views.

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