Journal: By the Light of the Moon

Serene view at Smacks Bayou

The moon was in Aquarius for this photo. I can still feel that airy reflective detachment when I look at this.

During most of my drive last night the moon was concealed by this small cluster of clouds in an otherwise clear night sky. On a lark, I took a detour and wound up at this bench on the water with a dynamite view. I just wanted to sit there and think. The breeze was gentle and the rain was sprinkling here and there. Actually, I’m not sure thinking was really part of it as much as I just wanted to sit there. The moon was so big and bright and the ceiling so high. I just wanted to look at it.

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After that fight, everything is different. The shock has faded, sure. But the vibe is different. More than that. It’s off. I’m not interested in being in it, around it. It’s very clear that there is no undoing what was done. This kind of emotional emancipation is something I haven’t felt in a while. It’s the they-crossed-a-line-and-now-it’s-done feeling. No anger, no malice, not even really sadness. That’s gone. It’s like they took a sword and sliced through the ropes that moored us together. Like a cord cutting even.

The irony of this is I had a conversation about this mechanism with one of the family members maybe a week before the fight. They knew what I was talking about and understood. It was solely about the concept and not because anyone had done anything. We happened to talk about it. And now here we are. This divorcing of my feelings doesn’t involve this specific family member, but another — their life partner. This adds another complication to it.

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Journal: Tongues

I’m a Gemini Sun with Mercury in Gemini as well. Writing is my passion. My career is all about words (the law, in fact). Being able to communicate and understand make up such a large part of what I’m about it’s not at all surprising that I’ve always wanted to be able to speak as many languages as possible. My Ascendant is Aquarius and my Pluto in the 8th house. Understanding how and why people think what they do about things is also fascinating to me as it can also be used to build stronger bridges when there’s a cultural divide. I want to swim through the depths of people’s minds because I find them fascinating. This does often help me with character development, but my interest in the who, what, why, and how of people has always been a focus of my curiosity.

I heard recently that people who are attracted to learning languages often also have an affinity for patterns. That was a real light bulb moment for me. It doesn’t just apply within the context of how I personally process and learn a new language (grammatical structure, spelling, usage patterns, mnemonics), but I also with my love of cryptograms, codes, and puzzles.

It is estimated that possibly 2/3rds of the world’s children are raised bilingual. Regarding the bilingual experience: “[It] not only changes the way neurological structures process information, but also may alter the neurological structures themselves.”

Also from the article linked above, here is an interesting excerpt about how the brain of a bilingual person processes language that is heard:

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Journal: Hiding in the Broom Closet from Family

Editor’s Note: I’ve gone back and forth on how deeply I want to dive on this as it involves another family member. While I have gone to great lengths to keep this (online and real life) part of myself quarantined from my family, there is always the possibility that they somehow stumble upon this blog. If they ever read this, to them I would say: I believed you were genuine when you said you wanted to build a relationship and so was I. If you have gotten past these issues enumerated below (or would like help in doing so), I am open to continuing forward.

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A few years ago, my father reconnected with a woman he had known overseas and quite quickly married her. There’s a lot of history between this woman and my father, my father and her husband, and my father and my mother. Like my mother, I had no idea about most of it. I’m not sure she even knew all of it before she died as my father had only spilled the beans during their first separation (which happened six months after my mother’s passing). This post is not about my father’s marriage to my mother and their subsequent divorce just as it’s not about the shenanigans he and my (now) stepmother participated in before my mother came along or their eventual surprise reunification and marriage. My mother had remarried (and divorced) in the intervening years so I had already dealt with a stepparent/family situation before. Again, that dynamic isn’t a factor here.

This entry is purely about my stepmother and how she has impacted my journey as a Baby Witch.

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This first time I met my stepmother was the Thanksgiving before my mother died. I had no idea what to expect as my father was very stingy with information about her. All I knew was that she was Puerto Rican, had worked overseas at the air force base where he was stationed, and the love they felt then was just as intense as they felt it now nearly forty years later. He was the happiest I had ever known him to be in my life. Seriously.

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Journal: Queen of Pen-tacles

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The chair arrived and has been assembled! It is so comfortable and can be adjusted to the perfect height for the desk. So very happy. It’s super plush and was very easy to put together. Yay Office Depot! It’s taken a couple days for the odor on the bookcase to dissipate. Or, at least I hope it has versus me having simply gotten used to it. I’m gonna wipe it down with some lemon scented Pledge later. 

The past week I’ve really wanted to write and yesterday was the first chance I got to really sit down to do it. The night before I read through some old stories and found a series of three that I wanted to revisit, rewrite, refresh. A lot of the stories with “couples” in them are based of my past situations with guys. This series in particular was with an Aquarius and we shared a very peculiar attraction. It was worth writing about then. But it’s interesting to read back through how I wrote the female character (a version of me, I guess). The writing is solid, but the character’s personality traits are just so… It’s just hard for me to imagine that I used to operate like that within a courtship. A positive spin on it: I can see that I’ve grown a lot.

It’s cold AF here today. I’m going to go for a drive, take some photos, and do my errands. Absolutely beautiful out there. Plus, I’ve noticed that when I get down or discouraged, listening to podcasts (catching up on The Serpent Cast and Betwixt & Between, right now) helps to lift my mood and get me back on track. Yes, I’m a solitary. But, I really and truly am in every sense of the word. I can’t share this with my family. There’s no “Guess what I’ve learnt today!” or “I want to share this with you!”. None of that. Best case scenario one relative might be totally apathetic to what is a joyful period of personal growth in my life while the others would be… I don’t want to think about that. I’ll eventually address that in another entry when I tackle it.

Probably going to do some Tarot tonight after dinner. There are a few notebooks I need to finish setting up. Trying to decide if I want to put my custom tarot spreads in a book of their own with my meditations and journaling or put it in a tarot section of my BoS. I do a lot of work with tarot. That could wind up being a major section all on its own. Probably best to put it in its own notebook.

Journal: Truth Time

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I’m acting like I’m in control and haven’t relapsed. All those boxes I’ve got stored inside my head of all the things that have happened and that I’ve survived — they need to be thrown out.

Is this the worst binging I’ve done? No. But it is the most self-deceptive I’ve ever been.

I really need to get to the bottom of why I’m doing this. There’s no money for therapy or a program. It’s all up to me to figure this out. I’m going to die if I don’t make changes.

There’s nothing enjoyable about this, only discomfort and disgust. I know I cannot continue living like this.

I need to sit down and make some decisions, set some guidelines. There may not be a support system in my personal life, but there are people every day who battle similar issues and make it work. I can make it work too. This is my life, my health, my future.

I’m still alcohol free. Very proud of that. I just need to get my sleeping regimen back around and get back on a healthy road with my eating. There was a therapy workbook I was introduced to for disordered eating and I’m gonna buy it.

People have made decisions that have impacted not just their lives, but mine also. It’s time I face that and look at myself as well. No more excuses. No more apologist behaviour trying to mitigate how it has wounded me. Yes, people aren’t perfect. I know I’m not. But the fact they are human does not mean I have to forgive, forget, and keep them in my life. Especially when they show time and time again that they don’t factor the fall-out into their decisions. Or, perhaps, it isn’t that they aren’t considering it, but that they are and it just doesn’t factor in much at all.

I need to heal. I need to break free. I need to love myself. I need to repair that little girl inside.

Mr. Taurus emailed yesterday and it put me out of sorts. I hated how I reacted. I hated how it affected me.

These retrogrades. Jesus. I am going to spend today cleaning, planning, organising. I miss meditation and reading and studying.

And writing.

Journal: Friendships

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Life is funny. I had (have, up until five minutes ago) two people in my life that I considered to be my closest friends. Both of them I had dated at one point in our lives and both decided to be friends after the breakups.

Mr. Taurus was the one I had dated off and on since our teen years and the one I had hoped would eventually get his shit together.  Mr. Scorpio was someone I just happened to meet and it was unexpected and amazing, but a romantic relationship wasn’t sustainable between us at that point. Very different personalities, but with some interesting similarities. An example? Both played baseball in school. Both no longer can. One refuses to look at, talk about, or watch baseball. Any time I bring it up, he gets mad and won’t talk to me. The other loves baseball and any discussion about it. The sport is actually one of the things that we share and enjoy quite a bit in our friendship. Care to guess which is which?

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Journal: Salt Life

Feel the breeze. Smell the salt. Release the pain.

Sometimes, the quickest and easiest way for me to recharge is to hop in the car, roll down the windows, and head to the beach.

I’ve never lived especially inland. However, there have been a few times in my life when I have moved to places where I may be near water, but I can’t see it or smell it. On the Gulf Coast, you can wind up in a rural area that feels very isolated and inland, but the Gulf of Mexico is a mile to the west. The air, the movement still helps me to feel better, especially if I have my favourite music playing. Still, it’s not quite the same.

Seeing the beach, the waves, smelling the salt, is probably one of the most powerful forms of passive rejuvenation that I’ve discovered. I say passive to mean that I don’t have to sit and actively focus on clearing my mind, doing an inventory, constantly trying to bring my thoughts under control. It just happens when I go along those coastal drives. Even when it’s super hot, the movement, vision, aromas of Salt Life washes over me and is so cleansing.

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Journal: Mars Retrograde, Part II

This is a follow up post to my previous entry about Mars in Retrograde.

The day of Mars going retro I had a big conversation with my father (Capricorn). My relationship with my father is very complicated. My stepmother is a very spiritual person and I asked him to ask her to pray for me. A few weeks prior to this I had gotten some not great news that might negatively affect the stability of my current living situation. Vague, I know. But I’m not trying to breathe life to this.

He wanted more info and I needed someone to talk to. My mother (Scorpio) is no longer living and she was my best friend. Historically, my father has always treated me like a child though there’s also a strong element of misogyny in this. A good example of the dynamic is the fact that I had a small business working with executives offering a slew of services to help their businesses. My father reduced this to me working as an executive assistant.

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Journal: Big Change

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For me, at least. If I loved/cared about somebody (boyfriend, friend, family), I would continue to spend time with them even if their behaviour negatively impacted my emotions and energy. People have problems and you don’t cut off people you love just because they have issues. Right?

This past week this perception of mine has changed. Truthfully it’s been more than a week as it’s been a pretty slow process. I noticed I had been not really pulling away as much as just really being Hermit like. There hasn’t been that desire to be around gossip and drama. I’ve enjoyed the quiet time for studying, meditating, exploring. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself so that I can manifest and receive. Getting caught up in tumultuous situations is not conducive to helping this process along.

I love and miss some of these people in my life that are fiery and social butterflies. For a few, the distance is likely to be a permanent aspect of our interaction as so much as happened over time. For others, it’s just temporary until I can finish processing certain things and getting back on my feet.

But for someone like me who naturally wants to stand in the gap for people and be there for others as much as possible, being clear about protecting my own energy is a massive deal. It means I’m learning to take better care of self.

The key to my success and financial prosperity is tied to my creativity. I can’t let anything block that or twist my mood to where I wanna hide in bed. And today, twice, I found myself doing that. I was able to work through and transmute this morning. Tonight was a little harder. I just tried to distract myself with YouTube and then went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up just a little while ago and I can still feel the bit of sadness. I’ve got a spread for transmutation and subconscious feelings I’m going to use.

It’s been made very clear to me that I need to stay in these good positive vibes, rebuild and restore, keep with the meditation, and confront these feelings. I refuse to back slide into avoidant habits (eating, sleeping, denial).

Journal: Family Tattoos

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I love this style and have decided to get a tattoo for my family. There are two designs I’m thinking of: a vined bracelet around one wrist and a grouping at the back of my neck that extends down between my shoulder blades. It’s probably a good idea and exercise to sit down and do some sketches.

Journal: Goals for 2017

**30th Jan 2019 Update: Whilst importing and reformatting my posts from Tumblr (RiP), I came across this entry. It was a month before my mum would unexpectedly die. I have gone back to school and paid down some of my credit card debt. That’s something. So much has changed since this post. I’ve done loads of healing and self discovery. My whole outlook on life has changed and generally speaking, I’m a lot more positive and open to the experiences that may come my way. I miss my mum tremendously and wish she was here to discover and venture along side me in this new chapter of my life. I think it would have been very comforting and enriching for her. But, I also know that she’s with me when I need her and can see my growth from wherever she is. Hug your loved ones, folks. They can be gone as quickly as they walk out of the room. Quite literally.

  1. Learn Spanish through immersion.
  2. Go back to school.
  3. Pay down credit card debt.
  4. Hit Goal Weight #1.
  5. Learn to ride motorcycle or pilot boat.
  6. Buy motorcycle or boat.
  7. Family tribute tattoo.

Two other options: relocating and/or career change. Things aren’t working. They haven’t been working. Time for something new. Time to step out and try something different.

I would be being disingenuous if I said that I wasn’t affected at all by the movements and trends growing in our society and politics as of late. As unpopular a position it might be for me to take, I feel there is talent and those dedicated to greater good on both sides of the aisle. Sitting back and watching the election has motivated me not to take a side, but to work to bring people to the table again. 

Over the whole of my career, I’ve always struggled with trying to precisely define what I do (or rather package it) in a way that people I meet will not just ‘get it’, but also respect it. Anybody who’s ever worked in the ‘consulting business’ knows the struggles with legitimacy-in-the-eyes-of-others one can face. Especially when you’re working under your own firm.

What form this career change will take, I’m still unsure. It (obviously) will depend a lot on what opens up for me degree/study wise. I might need to move so that I can attend a University best suited for my goals. Sorta chicken/egg kind of thing.

My lease here requires a notice to renew in just a couple of months. I really don’t care for the idea of having to wait another year before getting out of here. The agent is a good friend of mine and might cut me a shorter term, which I could handle. 

Last year, I was considering all of this but it didn’t feel right. A lot of apprehension and familial guilt (more on that another time). The 2016 holiday season was very enlightening not just about the motivations of others, but also my own inner workings. 2017 hit and I knew it’s time to go. Even I woke up a winner of a million dollars, I’d still pack up and go.

This isn’t the first time I’ve left my hometown. Part of me would like to say I’d come back. There’s a lot in the world to keep me busy though.