The moon was in Aquarius for this photo. I can still feel that airy reflective detachment when I look at this.
During most of my drive last night the moon was concealed by this small cluster of clouds in an otherwise clear night sky. On a lark, I took a detour and wound up at this bench on the water with a dynamite view. I just wanted to sit there and think. The breeze was gentle and the rain was sprinkling here and there. Actually, I’m not sure thinking was really part of it as much as I just wanted to sit there. The moon was so big and bright and the ceiling so high. I just wanted to look at it.
After that fight, everything is different. The shock has faded, sure. But the vibe is different. More than that. It’s off. I’m not interested in being in it, around it. It’s very clear that there is no undoing what was done. This kind of emotional emancipation is something I haven’t felt in a while. It’s the they-crossed-a-line-and-now-it’s-done feeling. No anger, no malice, not even really sadness. That’s gone. It’s like they took a sword and sliced through the ropes that moored us together. Like a cord cutting even.
The irony of this is I had a conversation about this mechanism with one of the family members maybe a week before the fight. They knew what I was talking about and understood. It was solely about the concept and not because anyone had done anything. We happened to talk about it. And now here we are. This divorcing of my feelings doesn’t involve this specific family member, but another — their life partner. This adds another complication to it.
Today is my maternal grandmother’s birthday, 7/11. She was a boss in every sense of the word. She ran the books, the businesses, the households. Wife, mother, partner. Shrewd and with one of the strongest senses of discernment I’ve ever known. While these qualities made her an amazing business owner, they often complicated her relationship with her children and, of course, me (her only grandchild). I learned a lot about people and negotiation watching her. The things she could do with money and a business were amazing. But years of fighting to survive starting at a super young age and then going into television and radio, followed by construction, and then finally the healthcare sector created a toughness that never really went away — not even at home with a four year old.
Though she passed over a decade ago, it has taken some work to process how her parenting decisions impacted my childhood. While I value my independence and disinterest in what my peers think of my hobbies or abilities, I’m still struggling to break free from the isolationism and the harsh black-and-white view I can have of other people’s judgement. As an adult, I’ve come to realize that it is important to have a support system of friends for when times are tough and when you just want to have some fun. There’s still quite a bit unwiring and rewiring to do. However, through my efforts to move past the upset and see her more completely as a woman, I’ve arrived at a place where I can value both her abilities and accomplishments.
Before this reading, I was actually praying and crying to her. I really need those qualities, her super powers, right now. Her drive, her strength, her determination, her business sense, her wisdom about money. That steel to keep me held up cause there’s nobody left to help pick me up anymore. I’m all I’ve got at the minute. Add to it that I’m like most Geminis and I make my best money when I’m happy and energized. If I could just tap into her energy and get supercharged, it could really help me turn a corner I feel. Plus there was always this vibe of unflappability she projected. She was human and I know things got to her. But she always said that there would be a time to cry later. It’s good that I’m learning to access and process my emotions through shadow work, but I still need to be able to put them to the side in order to see a situation clearly and make the best decision.
I asked what Goddesses I should also look to for qualities that I need to accomplish my goals. Shuffling the deck, these are the two Goddesses that came out:
I was journaling in my Book of Shadows about Soul Fragmentation and trauma when I started to think about fetal development.
From this University of Maine bulletin: When children are faced with physical or emotional stress or trauma, the hormone cortisol is released. High levels of cortisol can cause brain cells to die and reduces the connections between the cells and certain areas of the brain harming vital brain circuits. Two important possibilities here: damaged or miswired. http://bit.ly/298Y4hg
Regarding a baby in the womb:
At 10 weeks, the brain and kidneys are functioning.
At 19 weeks, senses are developing.
At 23 weeks, hearing is developed enough to pick up your voice and heartbeat and the sense of movement has developed enough to feel the mother’s major movement.
At 28 weeks, vision is developed enough that bright continuous light outside the mother’s body may be detected.
That’s mostly second trimester development. This is purely from a physical/anatomical time line, the progression of awareness and sensitivity a baby has inside its mother. If stress can negatively impact an infant’s brain development, what about an unborn baby who has reached these milestones of growth? And what about the potential for injuring the spirit of that baby or at least negatively impacting its energy?
Had a really good couple of days. Hung out with some mates, played video games, and laughed for hours.
Resurrected my car photography account. I would like to eventually link it here, but I’m not certain that’s a good idea right now. See below.
Some excellent news on the family side of things. I got caught cleaning egg shells for Cascarilla powder by a relative. Wound up tripping and falling out of the broom closet. She was very encouraging and asked if she could learn with me.
I very gently reminded her that not everyone is accepting of a path like mine. She reiterated her support and seemed to understand the reference to my father and stepmum.
I’ve spent quite a bit of time the last few days picking up where I left off in terms of researching deity and different pantheons. It’s a really nice way to build trust in your intuition. Just kinda clicked through wiki and flipped through different bios reading, learning, seeing who resonates. Probably going to take the rest of the week before looking to see if there’s any major concentration, which could direct me to a particular tradition.
Forgot to post these calavera themed bottles from my trip to Total Wine last night.
On the left is tequila reposado and on the right is tequila blanco, both by Dona Celia.
I collect all things Dia de Muertos, from plates to figurines to stuffed toys and art. It’s a holiday that I care very much about, but also try to incorporate its values and practices all throughout the year when it comes to those who have passed.
Sadly, I’m not a tequila drinker, but these bottles were beautiful. Wish I could’ve picked up at least the black and yellow one. Interestingly enough, my maternal grandmother collected ornate fragrance bottles and glass figurines. I adore extravagant and artistic packaging. Definitely will keep an eye out closer to my birthday.
I can’t help but wonder if I wouldn’t have sought recognition and validation from others if my family had respected me enough to acknowledge my contributions and value instead of reducing me to “some kid”.
Every time you throw at your child, “What could you possibly know about xxxx?” or “You’re a child, you haven’t experienced anything yet.” or “You’re xx age, your life is easy.” – all you’re doing is driving them away by invalidating, minimizing, and rebuking their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and identity.
If the only answer you can or want to give your child is “because I said so” during a teachable moment, you need to re-evaluate your strategy as a parent. Teach your children logic. It will guide and protect them when you aren’t around.
For those parents who are going to spit at me about how I don’t have children and/or it’s impossible to reason with kids – I’ve dealt with enough children caught in the war of divorce and dependency cases to confidently say that they are more aware and intelligent than most adults would dare acknowledge.
Your children are going to out live you. Arm them today with the skill they will need after you’re gone.
It’s a 4in D-ring binder. As romantic a notion it is to have a hand bound grimoire or the like, I have to have everything easily organized. Dividers, alphabetical, chronological, expandable – much easier to do with a binder.
Foam padding will go on the outside in order for the glow in the dark skeleton fabric covering it to sit flush around the buckles. For added security, a pair of glow in the dark paracord bands will keep the binder shut and help once it gets packed full of pages.
The little skull beads are made of Howlite as it turns out. I didn’t know Gemini was the zodiac correspondence until earlier today. Rather fitting along with being a stone that provides protection and a sense of calmness and clarity.
Howlite is a potent guardian stone. Use it to protect that which you value – both physical possessions and spiritual values.
They are also useful for travelers and adventures to take with them on their travels as insurance against harm.
Death has proven to be a rather frequent visitor in my life. Maybe that’s why I am drawn to and comforted by images of skulls, calaveras, and skeletons. I know I can always speak to and consult with loved ones who have passed, but the Day of the Dead is the holiday I treasure the most. For obvious reasons.
The Rabbit Tarot by Nakisha van der Hoeven is a very special and treasured tarot deck in my collection. I feel super close to my mum when I use it. Today, I sat down for a break from moving furniture, cleaning, and decorating and decided to have a little chat of sorts.
The Devil card reversed and The Hanged Man: I’ve made some massive decisions starting back in October about my spirituality, religious practices, sexuality, and other things. It’s been so freeing. I can’t explain the relief and happiness that has swept through my life. But, I’m now in new territory. Feeling along, searching, learning as I go. So yes, I do feel a bit “hung up” at times as I look to the different directions that I could go in.
The World card and Six of Cups: I asked my mum if she had any advice for me and boom. Here she is.
About a week ago, the Osho Zen Tarot deck arrived and I took some pretty photos of it showcasing the artwork. Just a few days after that, I pulled cards for my first reading. What an insightful experience.
I had been shuffling for a while and – though the cards felt quick and light – nothing was coming out. For a few days prior, I had slept with the cards under my pillow and they had snuggled with my main deck (Radiant Rider Waite) as well as the Lovers Path deck. They were definitely charged. A couple times I reworded my questions. Same result, quick and spirited flow in the shuffle, but nothing. Normally, I’d look at the bottom of the deck to see what was flowing underneath, but instead I just cleared my thoughts. I decided to let the cards talk about what they wanted to talk about.
Boom, a chunk of cards sprouted up stuck together. I can’t remember how many of what is on here were in that group, but I think only the last three were bottom of the deck. I’m going to quote from the guidebook in the order the cards came up. In parentheses is the name of the RW card that shares the same position to showcase the connections and differences.
XI Breakthrough (Justice): “…the brilliant glow emanates from the solar plexus… if you are now feeling that ‘enough is enough’ [I am.], allow yourself to take the risk of shattering the old patterns and limitations that have kept your energy from flowing… It is the greatest adventure in life to go through a breakdown consciously. It is the greatest risk because there is no guarantee that the breakdown will become a breakthrough… But without facing this danger nobody has ever become integrated [!!!], nobody has ever become an individual, indivisible.”
I miss my mum. Part of helping to feel more at home, I’m making an effort to unpack and arrange the furniture how I’d like. I’ve lived here almost two years and still have my things in suitcases and storage bins.
There are certain bins I’ve been avoiding because of my mum’s death. I just got tired of crying for her. I missed her. Still do. And will always. I know she is with me, but finding her university diplomas and mother/daughter gifts have me sobbing.
She was so loving, calming, healing. She was a powerful Scorpio woman. Her birthday is right around the corner and I’d like to have her picture up and a little corner for her done by then. I was and am so proud of the things she accomplished and the people she helped. She changed so many people’s lives and helped to mend their hearts during her time on this earth.
We often talked about how she was having difficulty in acknowledging her growth and elevation in her work because of her degrees and experience. So many people respected her, sought her out for her guidance and knowledge. I’m not sure she ever really knew how much power and influence she had.
I hope now she knows undoubtedly the difference she made in people’s lives and how much she is loved.
For me, at least. If I loved/cared about somebody (boyfriend, friend, family), I would continue to spend time with them even if their behaviour negatively impacted my emotions and energy. People have problems and you don’t cut off people you love just because they have issues. Right?
This past week this perception of mine has changed. Truthfully it’s been more than a week as it’s been a pretty slow process. I noticed I had been not really pulling away as much as just really being Hermit like. There hasn’t been that desire to be around gossip and drama. I’ve enjoyed the quiet time for studying, meditating, exploring. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself so that I can manifest and receive. Getting caught up in tumultuous situations is not conducive to helping this process along.
I love and miss some of these people in my life that are fiery and social butterflies. For a few, the distance is likely to be a permanent aspect of our interaction as so much as happened over time. For others, it’s just temporary until I can finish processing certain things and getting back on my feet.
But for someone like me who naturally wants to stand in the gap for people and be there for others as much as possible, being clear about protecting my own energy is a massive deal. It means I’m learning to take better care of self.
The key to my success and financial prosperity is tied to my creativity. I can’t let anything block that or twist my mood to where I wanna hide in bed. And today, twice, I found myself doing that. I was able to work through and transmute this morning. Tonight was a little harder. I just tried to distract myself with YouTube and then went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up just a little while ago and I can still feel the bit of sadness. I’ve got a spread for transmutation and subconscious feelings I’m going to use.
It’s been made very clear to me that I need to stay in these good positive vibes, rebuild and restore, keep with the meditation, and confront these feelings. I refuse to back slide into avoidant habits (eating, sleeping, denial).
I love this style and have decided to get a tattoo for my family. There are two designs I’m thinking of: a vined bracelet around one wrist and a grouping at the back of my neck that extends down between my shoulder blades. It’s probably a good idea and exercise to sit down and do some sketches.
**30th Jan 2019 Update: Whilst importing and reformatting my posts from Tumblr (RiP), I came across this entry. It was a month before my mum would unexpectedly die. I have gone back to school and paid down some of my credit card debt. That’s something. So much has changed since this post. I’ve done loads of healing and self discovery. My whole outlook on life has changed and generally speaking, I’m a lot more positive and open to the experiences that may come my way. I miss my mum tremendously and wish she was here to discover and venture along side me in this new chapter of my life. I think it would have been very comforting and enriching for her. But, I also know that she’s with me when I need her and can see my growth from wherever she is. Hug your loved ones, folks. They can be gone as quickly as they walk out of the room. Quite literally.
Learn Spanish through immersion.
Go back to school.
Pay down credit card debt.
Hit Goal Weight #1.
Learn to ride motorcycle or pilot boat.
Buy motorcycle or boat.
Family tribute tattoo.
Two other options: relocating and/or career change. Things aren’t working. They haven’t been working. Time for something new. Time to step out and try something different.
I would be being disingenuous if I said that I wasn’t affected at all by the movements and trends growing in our society and politics as of late. As unpopular a position it might be for me to take, I feel there is talent and those dedicated to greater good on both sides of the aisle. Sitting back and watching the election has motivated me not to take a side, but to work to bring people to the table again.
Over the whole of my career, I’ve always struggled with trying to precisely define what I do (or rather package it) in a way that people I meet will not just ‘get it’, but also respect it. Anybody who’s ever worked in the ‘consulting business’ knows the struggles with legitimacy-in-the-eyes-of-others one can face. Especially when you’re working under your own firm.
What form this career change will take, I’m still unsure. It (obviously) will depend a lot on what opens up for me degree/study wise. I might need to move so that I can attend a University best suited for my goals. Sorta chicken/egg kind of thing.
My lease here requires a notice to renew in just a couple of months. I really don’t care for the idea of having to wait another year before getting out of here. The agent is a good friend of mine and might cut me a shorter term, which I could handle.
Last year, I was considering all of this but it didn’t feel right. A lot of apprehension and familial guilt (more on that another time). The 2016 holiday season was very enlightening not just about the motivations of others, but also my own inner workings. 2017 hit and I knew it’s time to go. Even I woke up a winner of a million dollars, I’d still pack up and go.
This isn’t the first time I’ve left my hometown. Part of me would like to say I’d come back. There’s a lot in the world to keep me busy though.