The moon was in Aquarius for this photo. I can still feel that airy reflective detachment when I look at this.
During most of my drive last night the moon was concealed by this small cluster of clouds in an otherwise clear night sky. On a lark, I took a detour and wound up at this bench on the water with a dynamite view. I just wanted to sit there and think. The breeze was gentle and the rain was sprinkling here and there. Actually, I’m not sure thinking was really part of it as much as I just wanted to sit there. The moon was so big and bright and the ceiling so high. I just wanted to look at it.
After that fight, everything is different. The shock has faded, sure. But the vibe is different. More than that. It’s off. I’m not interested in being in it, around it. It’s very clear that there is no undoing what was done. This kind of emotional emancipation is something I haven’t felt in a while. It’s the they-crossed-a-line-and-now-it’s-done feeling. No anger, no malice, not even really sadness. That’s gone. It’s like they took a sword and sliced through the ropes that moored us together. Like a cord cutting even.
The irony of this is I had a conversation about this mechanism with one of the family members maybe a week before the fight. They knew what I was talking about and understood. It was solely about the concept and not because anyone had done anything. We happened to talk about it. And now here we are. This divorcing of my feelings doesn’t involve this specific family member, but another — their life partner. This adds another complication to it.
I called the delivery company and the office chair I ordered to arrive last Monday will be here tomorrow. Mercury Retrograde for you. One of the biggest hindrances in getting research, writing, and organisation done is that the chair I’ve borrowed from the living room is super uncomfortable. On one hand, it’s probably healthy for me to get up out of it and walk around every thirty minutes or so. But when I have to sit in it for extended periods of time, it leaves me sore and with deep muscle discomfort or cramps. Really, really hoping that chair is going to get here tomorrow.
On a happier note, I cleaned out one side of my bedroom so that I can get some additional bookcases sorted. Whilst shopping around for storage solutions, I spotted these really cool display shelves that are about the size of the boxes my tarot and oracle decks came in. The plan is to put the boxes on the display shelves and then hang the bag with the deck in it underneath. With five decks total, I’ll need three packages of the shelves. They’re $20 a piece, so I’m gonna shop around and check out some DIY alternatives.
Feel the breeze. Smell the salt. Release the pain.
Sometimes, the quickest and easiest way for me to recharge is to hop in the car, roll down the windows, and head to the beach.
I’ve never lived especially inland. However, there have been a few times in my life when I have moved to places where I may be near water, but I can’t see it or smell it. On the Gulf Coast, you can wind up in a rural area that feels very isolated and inland, but the Gulf of Mexico is a mile to the west. The air, the movement still helps me to feel better, especially if I have my favourite music playing. Still, it’s not quite the same.
Seeing the beach, the waves, smelling the salt, is probably one of the most powerful forms of passive rejuvenation that I’ve discovered. I say passive to mean that I don’t have to sit and actively focus on clearing my mind, doing an inventory, constantly trying to bring my thoughts under control. It just happens when I go along those coastal drives. Even when it’s super hot, the movement, vision, aromas of Salt Life washes over me and is so cleansing.
**30th Jan 2019 Update: Whilst importing and reformatting my posts from Tumblr (RiP), I came across this entry. It was a month before my mum would unexpectedly die. I have gone back to school and paid down some of my credit card debt. That’s something. So much has changed since this post. I’ve done loads of healing and self discovery. My whole outlook on life has changed and generally speaking, I’m a lot more positive and open to the experiences that may come my way. I miss my mum tremendously and wish she was here to discover and venture along side me in this new chapter of my life. I think it would have been very comforting and enriching for her. But, I also know that she’s with me when I need her and can see my growth from wherever she is. Hug your loved ones, folks. They can be gone as quickly as they walk out of the room. Quite literally.
Learn Spanish through immersion.
Go back to school.
Pay down credit card debt.
Hit Goal Weight #1.
Learn to ride motorcycle or pilot boat.
Buy motorcycle or boat.
Family tribute tattoo.
Two other options: relocating and/or career change. Things aren’t working. They haven’t been working. Time for something new. Time to step out and try something different.
I would be being disingenuous if I said that I wasn’t affected at all by the movements and trends growing in our society and politics as of late. As unpopular a position it might be for me to take, I feel there is talent and those dedicated to greater good on both sides of the aisle. Sitting back and watching the election has motivated me not to take a side, but to work to bring people to the table again.
Over the whole of my career, I’ve always struggled with trying to precisely define what I do (or rather package it) in a way that people I meet will not just ‘get it’, but also respect it. Anybody who’s ever worked in the ‘consulting business’ knows the struggles with legitimacy-in-the-eyes-of-others one can face. Especially when you’re working under your own firm.
What form this career change will take, I’m still unsure. It (obviously) will depend a lot on what opens up for me degree/study wise. I might need to move so that I can attend a University best suited for my goals. Sorta chicken/egg kind of thing.
My lease here requires a notice to renew in just a couple of months. I really don’t care for the idea of having to wait another year before getting out of here. The agent is a good friend of mine and might cut me a shorter term, which I could handle.
Last year, I was considering all of this but it didn’t feel right. A lot of apprehension and familial guilt (more on that another time). The 2016 holiday season was very enlightening not just about the motivations of others, but also my own inner workings. 2017 hit and I knew it’s time to go. Even I woke up a winner of a million dollars, I’d still pack up and go.
This isn’t the first time I’ve left my hometown. Part of me would like to say I’d come back. There’s a lot in the world to keep me busy though.