Valentine’s Day 2019 Reading

Was it any surprise that I was going to do a Valentine’s Day reading with The Lovers Path Tarot? It’s such a beautiful deck. And full of wisdom! I keep it in this embroidered burgundy and gold drawstring bag that matches the palette of the deck’s artwork. I had been looking around a bit for a cloth to do readings on for it and happened across this gorgeous vintage Oscar de la Renta scarf with all the reds, pinks, and purples a person could want. My heart!

Six of Arrows and Fortune: Danae & Zeus, The Lovers Path tarot deck.

I have this relative that I’ve mentioned previously, the fire sign. She’s a maternal figure of sorts. She’s my mother’s sister. We have a very complicated relationship and it’s something I’ve really been working to improve. Earlier today, I was trying to help her with something. Unfortunately, it was beyond my ability and she’d have to find someone else to get it sorted. I came back to my desk to do my Valentine’s Day reading and she was sorta floating in and out of my head a bit whilst I was trying to get centered. It wasn’t enough to get me to stop shuffling, so I just went with it. Up come the Six of Swords and the Wheel of Fortune cards.

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Real Tits Float, Right?

So, this happened: Six of Swords, then both Nine of Swords and King of Pentacles reversed.

And then this happened: The Tower, the Sun, and the Lovers cards make an appearance.

That water sign business at the bottom there, oh boy. Thank God I have a pair of personal flotation devices built in.

I arranged the cards the way I did to highlight the imagery I see, e.g. the change in the couple falling out of the tower to their state in the lovers card, the journey and humbling of the water sign at the bottom.

As an aside, I’m not entirely sold that that King of Pentacles up there is my Taurean ex. I often associate him with the Knight/King. That’s the obvious answer. Moving on from the situation fully, out come the swords, his title/influence in my life taken away. This may be speaking more to a state of mind I’ve been battling, which also relates to Mr. Taurus.

2019 is going to be interesting. I may post the rest of this reading later.

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Journal: Truth Time

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I’m acting like I’m in control and haven’t relapsed. All those boxes I’ve got stored inside my head of all the things that have happened and that I’ve survived — they need to be thrown out.

Is this the worst binging I’ve done? No. But it is the most self-deceptive I’ve ever been.

I really need to get to the bottom of why I’m doing this. There’s no money for therapy or a program. It’s all up to me to figure this out. I’m going to die if I don’t make changes.

There’s nothing enjoyable about this, only discomfort and disgust. I know I cannot continue living like this.

I need to sit down and make some decisions, set some guidelines. There may not be a support system in my personal life, but there are people every day who battle similar issues and make it work. I can make it work too. This is my life, my health, my future.

I’m still alcohol free. Very proud of that. I just need to get my sleeping regimen back around and get back on a healthy road with my eating. There was a therapy workbook I was introduced to for disordered eating and I’m gonna buy it.

People have made decisions that have impacted not just their lives, but mine also. It’s time I face that and look at myself as well. No more excuses. No more apologist behaviour trying to mitigate how it has wounded me. Yes, people aren’t perfect. I know I’m not. But the fact they are human does not mean I have to forgive, forget, and keep them in my life. Especially when they show time and time again that they don’t factor the fall-out into their decisions. Or, perhaps, it isn’t that they aren’t considering it, but that they are and it just doesn’t factor in much at all.

I need to heal. I need to break free. I need to love myself. I need to repair that little girl inside.

Mr. Taurus emailed yesterday and it put me out of sorts. I hated how I reacted. I hated how it affected me.

These retrogrades. Jesus. I am going to spend today cleaning, planning, organising. I miss meditation and reading and studying.

And writing.

Mars Retrograde

My natal Mars (not retrograde) is in Capricorn same as my moon. This full moon in Capricorn and Retrograde in Aquarius (my ascendant) really hit me. 

The fatigue started Thursday afternoon. I call it that because at the time, that’s what it felt like. I didn’t sleep well the night before and I initially thought I was getting run down. But then I started to really listen to my body. I was sighing a lot. My muscles and actual physical self didn’t feel tired. I focused in and instead realized that I was tired — exhausted even.

Gemini season was rough. My natural instincts were to kinda be quiet and stay to myself. Every now and again I’d pop up and hang with some friends for some laughs. That was a double edged sword until I started being smarter about it. But I mostly tried to focus on writing and working on self.

Going into Cancer season (my Venus is in Cancer and figures very strongly in areas where I’ve needed to work on), I was trepidatious. There’s still a large part of my personality that doesn’t want to talk/experience my emotions. I remember doing a few big birthday readings and during one of them I had this light bulb moment.

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