The moon was in Aquarius for this photo. I can still feel that airy reflective detachment when I look at this.
During most of my drive last night the moon was concealed by this small cluster of clouds in an otherwise clear night sky. On a lark, I took a detour and wound up at this bench on the water with a dynamite view. I just wanted to sit there and think. The breeze was gentle and the rain was sprinkling here and there. Actually, I’m not sure thinking was really part of it as much as I just wanted to sit there. The moon was so big and bright and the ceiling so high. I just wanted to look at it.
After that fight, everything is different. The shock has faded, sure. But the vibe is different. More than that. It’s off. I’m not interested in being in it, around it. It’s very clear that there is no undoing what was done. This kind of emotional emancipation is something I haven’t felt in a while. It’s the they-crossed-a-line-and-now-it’s-done feeling. No anger, no malice, not even really sadness. That’s gone. It’s like they took a sword and sliced through the ropes that moored us together. Like a cord cutting even.
The irony of this is I had a conversation about this mechanism with one of the family members maybe a week before the fight. They knew what I was talking about and understood. It was solely about the concept and not because anyone had done anything. We happened to talk about it. And now here we are. This divorcing of my feelings doesn’t involve this specific family member, but another — their life partner. This adds another complication to it.
Editor’s Note: I’ve gone back and forth on how deeply I want to dive on this as it involves another family member. While I have gone to great lengths to keep this (online and real life) part of myself quarantined from my family, there is always the possibility that they somehow stumble upon this blog. If they ever read this, to them I would say: I believed you were genuine when you said you wanted to build a relationship and so was I. If you have gotten past these issues enumerated below (or would like help in doing so), I am open to continuing forward.
A few years ago, my father reconnected with a woman he had known overseas and quite quickly married her. There’s a lot of history between this woman and my father, my father and her husband, and my father and my mother. Like my mother, I had no idea about most of it. I’m not sure she even knew all of it before she died as my father had only spilled the beans during their first separation (which happened six months after my mother’s passing). This post is not about my father’s marriage to my mother and their subsequent divorce just as it’s not about the shenanigans he and my (now) stepmother participated in before my mother came along or their eventual surprise reunification and marriage. My mother had remarried (and divorced) in the intervening years so I had already dealt with a stepparent/family situation before. Again, that dynamic isn’t a factor here.
This entry is purely about my stepmother and how she has impacted my journey as a Baby Witch.
This first time I met my stepmother was the Thanksgiving before my mother died. I had no idea what to expect as my father was very stingy with information about her. All I knew was that she was Puerto Rican, had worked overseas at the air force base where he was stationed, and the love they felt then was just as intense as they felt it now nearly forty years later. He was the happiest I had ever known him to be in my life. Seriously.
Was it any surprise that I was going to do a Valentine’s Day reading with The Lovers Path Tarot? It’s such a beautiful deck. And full of wisdom! I keep it in this embroidered burgundy and gold drawstring bag that matches the palette of the deck’s artwork. I had been looking around a bit for a cloth to do readings on for it and happened across this gorgeous vintage Oscar de la Renta scarf with all the reds, pinks, and purples a person could want. My heart!
I have this relative that I’ve mentioned previously, the fire sign. She’s a maternal figure of sorts. She’s my mother’s sister. We have a very complicated relationship and it’s something I’ve really been working to improve. Earlier today, I was trying to help her with something. Unfortunately, it was beyond my ability and she’d have to find someone else to get it sorted. I came back to my desk to do my Valentine’s Day reading and she was sorta floating in and out of my head a bit whilst I was trying to get centered. It wasn’t enough to get me to stop shuffling, so I just went with it. Up come the Six of Swords and the Wheel of Fortune cards.
Got into a rather serious row with my Scorpio friend earlier tonight. I took it personal and he followed in kind. We wound up talking it out almost right after it went down.
Though he was right about what we were arguing over, I brought something into it that while related — didn’t have anything to do with what happened.
A couple months ago we had that big row and I got what I thought would be the closest I’d ever get to an apology for what was said from him. Well, he apologized for all of it tonight.
I was floored. That’s a big deal. The things he said just… I love his heart so much.
The weapon we used to hurt each other earlier was the same: how people perceive us. It was so analogous to how people also perceive Scorpio — that hard shell, the pinchers, the poisoned tail. Not very cuddly on the outside. But man, there are so many instances when I just want to hug him when I see his tenderness hiding away in there. His heart is deep. Not just buried under the armour, but deep in its own capacity.
So, this happened: Six of Swords, then both Nine of Swords and King of Pentacles reversed.
And then this happened: The Tower, the Sun, and the Lovers cards make an appearance.
That water sign business at the bottom there, oh boy. Thank God I have a pair of personal flotation devices built in.
I arranged the cards the way I did to highlight the imagery I see, e.g. the change in the couple falling out of the tower to their state in the lovers card, the journey and humbling of the water sign at the bottom.
As an aside, I’m not entirely sold that that King of Pentacles up there is my Taurean ex. I often associate him with the Knight/King. That’s the obvious answer. Moving on from the situation fully, out come the swords, his title/influence in my life taken away. This may be speaking more to a state of mind I’ve been battling, which also relates to Mr. Taurus.
2019 is going to be interesting. I may post the rest of this reading later.
I can’t help but wonder if I wouldn’t have sought recognition and validation from others if my family had respected me enough to acknowledge my contributions and value instead of reducing me to “some kid”.
Every time you throw at your child, “What could you possibly know about xxxx?” or “You’re a child, you haven’t experienced anything yet.” or “You’re xx age, your life is easy.” – all you’re doing is driving them away by invalidating, minimizing, and rebuking their thoughts, feelings, emotions, and identity.
If the only answer you can or want to give your child is “because I said so” during a teachable moment, you need to re-evaluate your strategy as a parent. Teach your children logic. It will guide and protect them when you aren’t around.
For those parents who are going to spit at me about how I don’t have children and/or it’s impossible to reason with kids – I’ve dealt with enough children caught in the war of divorce and dependency cases to confidently say that they are more aware and intelligent than most adults would dare acknowledge.
Your children are going to out live you. Arm them today with the skill they will need after you’re gone.
The chair arrived and has been assembled! It is so comfortable and can be adjusted to the perfect height for the desk. So very happy. It’s super plush and was very easy to put together. Yay Office Depot! It’s taken a couple days for the odor on the bookcase to dissipate. Or, at least I hope it has versus me having simply gotten used to it. I’m gonna wipe it down with some lemon scented Pledge later.
The past week I’ve really wanted to write and yesterday was the first chance I got to really sit down to do it. The night before I read through some old stories and found a series of three that I wanted to revisit, rewrite, refresh. A lot of the stories with “couples” in them are based of my past situations with guys. This series in particular was with an Aquarius and we shared a very peculiar attraction. It was worth writing about then. But it’s interesting to read back through how I wrote the female character (a version of me, I guess). The writing is solid, but the character’s personality traits are just so… It’s just hard for me to imagine that I used to operate like that within a courtship. A positive spin on it: I can see that I’ve grown a lot.
It’s cold AF here today. I’m going to go for a drive, take some photos, and do my errands. Absolutely beautiful out there. Plus, I’ve noticed that when I get down or discouraged, listening to podcasts (catching up on The Serpent Cast and Betwixt & Between, right now) helps to lift my mood and get me back on track. Yes, I’m a solitary. But, I really and truly am in every sense of the word. I can’t share this with my family. There’s no “Guess what I’ve learnt today!” or “I want to share this with you!”. None of that. Best case scenario one relative might be totally apathetic to what is a joyful period of personal growth in my life while the others would be… I don’t want to think about that. I’ll eventually address that in another entry when I tackle it.
Probably going to do some Tarot tonight after dinner. There are a few notebooks I need to finish setting up. Trying to decide if I want to put my custom tarot spreads in a book of their own with my meditations and journaling or put it in a tarot section of my BoS. I do a lot of work with tarot. That could wind up being a major section all on its own. Probably best to put it in its own notebook.
Life is funny. I had (have, up until five minutes ago) two people in my life that I considered to be my closest friends. Both of them I had dated at one point in our lives and both decided to be friends after the breakups.
Mr. Taurus was the one I had dated off and on since our teen years and the one I had hoped would eventually get his shit together. Mr. Scorpio was someone I just happened to meet and it was unexpected and amazing, but a romantic relationship wasn’t sustainable between us at that point. Very different personalities, but with some interesting similarities. An example? Both played baseball in school. Both no longer can. One refuses to look at, talk about, or watch baseball. Any time I bring it up, he gets mad and won’t talk to me. The other loves baseball and any discussion about it. The sport is actually one of the things that we share and enjoy quite a bit in our friendship. Care to guess which is which?
Feel the breeze. Smell the salt. Release the pain.
Sometimes, the quickest and easiest way for me to recharge is to hop in the car, roll down the windows, and head to the beach.
I’ve never lived especially inland. However, there have been a few times in my life when I have moved to places where I may be near water, but I can’t see it or smell it. On the Gulf Coast, you can wind up in a rural area that feels very isolated and inland, but the Gulf of Mexico is a mile to the west. The air, the movement still helps me to feel better, especially if I have my favourite music playing. Still, it’s not quite the same.
Seeing the beach, the waves, smelling the salt, is probably one of the most powerful forms of passive rejuvenation that I’ve discovered. I say passive to mean that I don’t have to sit and actively focus on clearing my mind, doing an inventory, constantly trying to bring my thoughts under control. It just happens when I go along those coastal drives. Even when it’s super hot, the movement, vision, aromas of Salt Life washes over me and is so cleansing.
My natal Mars (not retrograde) is in Capricorn same as my moon. This full moon in Capricorn and Retrograde in Aquarius (my ascendant) really hit me.
The fatigue started Thursday afternoon. I call it that because at the time, that’s what it felt like. I didn’t sleep well the night before and I initially thought I was getting run down. But then I started to really listen to my body. I was sighing a lot. My muscles and actual physical self didn’t feel tired. I focused in and instead realized that I was tired — exhausted even.
Gemini season was rough. My natural instincts were to kinda be quiet and stay to myself. Every now and again I’d pop up and hang with some friends for some laughs. That was a double edged sword until I started being smarter about it. But I mostly tried to focus on writing and working on self.
Going into Cancer season (my Venus is in Cancer and figures very strongly in areas where I’ve needed to work on), I was trepidatious. There’s still a large part of my personality that doesn’t want to talk/experience my emotions. I remember doing a few big birthday readings and during one of them I had this light bulb moment.
I had the Tower Moment as I was dictating my notes on the cards. I cried. A lot. Sigh. Well, truthfully, I started crying when the Strength card fell out. It’s not that I consciously feel weak, but rather it’s nice to see/hear that I can “do this”.
Everything here are concepts I am very familiar with for this particular dynamic. It is both reinforcement and encouragement. I need to refocus. If I’m gonna be successful in manifesting I must unblock my energy and let the creativity flow. I gotta let go of what isn’t, move forward toward what will be, and transform.
For me, at least. If I loved/cared about somebody (boyfriend, friend, family), I would continue to spend time with them even if their behaviour negatively impacted my emotions and energy. People have problems and you don’t cut off people you love just because they have issues. Right?
This past week this perception of mine has changed. Truthfully it’s been more than a week as it’s been a pretty slow process. I noticed I had been not really pulling away as much as just really being Hermit like. There hasn’t been that desire to be around gossip and drama. I’ve enjoyed the quiet time for studying, meditating, exploring. I have a lot of work I need to do on myself so that I can manifest and receive. Getting caught up in tumultuous situations is not conducive to helping this process along.
I love and miss some of these people in my life that are fiery and social butterflies. For a few, the distance is likely to be a permanent aspect of our interaction as so much as happened over time. For others, it’s just temporary until I can finish processing certain things and getting back on my feet.
But for someone like me who naturally wants to stand in the gap for people and be there for others as much as possible, being clear about protecting my own energy is a massive deal. It means I’m learning to take better care of self.
The key to my success and financial prosperity is tied to my creativity. I can’t let anything block that or twist my mood to where I wanna hide in bed. And today, twice, I found myself doing that. I was able to work through and transmute this morning. Tonight was a little harder. I just tried to distract myself with YouTube and then went to sleep for a few hours. I woke up just a little while ago and I can still feel the bit of sadness. I’ve got a spread for transmutation and subconscious feelings I’m going to use.
It’s been made very clear to me that I need to stay in these good positive vibes, rebuild and restore, keep with the meditation, and confront these feelings. I refuse to back slide into avoidant habits (eating, sleeping, denial).